I guess I don't really know what happened to me I was there though

Hello my friends

over these last couple of years i have had people taking the liberty of deciding 

what I have and haven't experienced. They have decided that weather or not 

someone really insulted me to my face or not. 

It's funny though cause allot of times these people weren't there.

I know my hearings fine, and generally I can tell when someone is insulting me or not.

So if I live in a village where they call outsiders Russians  and someone calls me that  

in public right in front of my face I'm pretty damn sure it happened, in other words I'm not tripping.

If some chick at a cafe calls me a pig i'm pretty sure it happened. 

I don't know why My life experiences have to be questioned or doubted.

Frankly I don't give a shit. 

You can say what you want, and decide what you want, but if you weren't there. 

Than you really don't know  and that's the damn truth.

Fear of success

I'll admit it I'm afraid of seeing myself succeed sometimes.

I'm afraid of all the responsibility of owning things.

Today I vow to except things as they happened and move forward.

, but I can never forgive myself 

for being so stupid. I can never forgive myself 

for wasting so many opportunities. 

I reckon before I can make amends with the world 

I have to do right by myself and pay myself back for all 

the time I have wasted and all the opportunities I let pass me by.

I have to own up and I have to start doing things for myself.

Regardless of what haters may say or do.

Is it hot in here?"the fog comes again"

Okay Syria is destroying itself,

So now we have Sunni and Shiite groups in play. After The whole sectarian thing, we have 

NATO arming and supporting the rebels, and Russia,china and Iran supporting Assad. 

Oh and now we have Russian heavy bombers doing exercises near Guam,

and of course Iran and north Korea's alliance, which put a monkey 120 kilometers into orbit,

and North Korea's successful nuke test.  

Damn is it getting hot in here or what?

I have some major problems with Iran having the technology for an I.C.B.M. 

one of the main problems is this whole 12th Mahdi business.Hear is a link

read up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahdi#Mahdism_in_Twelver_Shi.27ism

Basically it's the belief that the last Imam will return and make the whole world Muslim,

Your typical Abrahamic faith prophecy.

As we all know Iran is a very religious place, especially the leadership of the country.

So who's to say they won't get hyped up on the "prophecy" and push the button.

Basically times are strange and I wanna get the f outta dodge,

I reckon space is the place baby 

well until next time paca

  

Walla khoodoy blat"medical bills"

Okay I get it now.

The hospitals are in on a protection racket with the insurance company's.

In other words my polonidal purgatory or chistilishe is unending.

Wow I never thought a pain right above my ass could hurt so bad.

Well now I understand that I got two bills.

One for the hospital and another for The nurse practitioner,

who touched me once and than gave me a bandage and a pill.

the total amount comes out to about roughly rounded off at 1300.00 dollars.

So this means that in America if you are making just above the poverty line, 

 people will try to screw you to back below the poverty line. Unless you 

pay for insurance. If you can't afford insurance and G-d forbid you need 

medical attention the hospital will charge you more. Some where in the neighborhood of 

four times more than what they charge Medic-aid or insured people.

Honestly it's a pretty damn good protection racket. Of course 

I'm sure doctors would charge less if they didn't feel like they had to watch their ass's 

all the time.

I blame the liability laws of California one of the lawsuit capitols off the world.

If you live in California and your a doctor lawyer property owner, or anything else 

for that matter you should know there are people out there looking 

to find a way to hurt you. There are bloodsucking parasites out there 

who are willing to make it so that every time you go to work there is a lawsuit 

hanging over your head.  I don't wan't to mention any professions, but if you are intuitive

you will know I'm talking about lawyers.

Now I'm not saying that all lawyers are like that, but I'm putting part of the blame 

on the assholes who are.  It seems the three are in on this racket together.

Well in the end I hope they feel the same amount of pain I was in.

In the end I hope they too will feel the rage that goes with 

some giant fucking with their life progress.

The only good thing that came from this is my new

found taste for socialist medicine. I hope Obama care gets passed 

so all these assholes will have to find another racket.

well until next time paca. 

Every night I burn

Well Today I was trawling the web, looking for answers,

looking for people to talk too. About my lovely condition, you know autogynephilia.

The burden that leaves many questions that can't be answered by words.

Today I happened to be trawling for a treatment or a cure,

because honestly sometimes things can be bleak or depressing.

Sometimes people will do destructive things to try to escape 

the dark parts of their reality.

Anyways I came across a study about 

Gender dysphoria  and military service, or how some men will do 

hyper masculine things to compensate for their over active Anima."feminine side"

Here is a link

http://www.courthousenews.com/2012/03/13/FlightIntoHyperM.pdf

I can honestly say I have been there.

Shit I rather would've been a dead hero a dead man, than a living queen or freak, 

or how ever you would call it.

either way it seems I'm developing right on time according to the diagram in 

the study. 

Its just a shame I still feel alienation.

I guess that's just a part of living a half life

or being locked in with your emotions.